Put Me Back Into My Coma

Lithium toxicity is what caused by seizure and subsequent coma. Even when I came out of it I was very confused. It took me a while to get my bearings.

My husband, mother, sister seemed very nice but foreign to me. It got better and then it got worse! How can Trump be in the lead?! How can he be in the race?

Hell, I’m more qualified to be president and I’m a brain damaged patient who never went to college! After getting home, I was glued to the TV. CNN, MSNBC and Family Feud were my viewing staples.

Today I dream about Coma-ville and it’s lovely. No pain. No hunger. No Trump. Ahhh … Good thing my husband keeps the lithium away from me. I wonder if a Democrat doctor would do me a favor.

Aftermath

July 27th was my birthday and no, I will not say my age. I’m middle-aged and that’s all I’ll divulge. Am I vain? Yes. Absolutely.

I had a lovely birthday complete with gifts, well wishes, yummy food and affection. I was taken care of by all who love me.

The aftermath is always strange and fuzzy. I’m in an awkward state for a few days. Then I do my life assessment – accomplishments and failures. This is dangerous, but I do it anyway.

When will it all end? Bipolar is forever. Hysterectomy – am I really a woman? Knee replacement surgery is forthcoming. Until then pain and fear is a staple in every step I take.

On the flip side, I have gone on amazing trips with my lovely husband. I can speak Spanish. I have two blogs. And I have a lot of good people who love me.

Why do I do this to myself? Maybe I want to lob my own stones at my own house. I’ve been doing this all my life. Judging myself is the place where I hide.

I don’t hide all the time, but birthdays are a trigger. I think reaching physical and mental balance is like scaling Mt. Everest. Sadly, I don’t want a Sherpa.

 

No Real Solution … Maybe

Regardless of the fact that I take my Lithium, Seroquel, Zoloft and Lamectal every night the world can trump my psychiatric due diligence.  I use to think my pills could save me from everything.

The world showed me how the psychotically violent either went off their meds or was never on them to begin with. The message was take your meds and you’ll be just fine. Damn, I’m stupid.

So when human atrocities and cruelty happen across the globe and right here at home it can be devastating for me.The panic feeling wells up inside me. My muscles ache as if I had the flu. Then my mind decides to run a marathon without shoes.

Perhaps I should just turn off my TV, PC and Kindle. Even better I can just leave my husband, family and friends to reside in a lovely cave. Uh, no. I’ve gone too far. So what should I do?

I bet most readers of this post think I should just go to therapy. My psychiatrist prefers that I go but it’s not a priority for me. For one thing I’ve been therapist shopping and it isn’t easy. Chemistry has to be there.

Then I considered group therapy. I’ve been in 3 behavioral programs where I bonded with everyone. It’s nice to be in a group where everyone gets it . Downside is that creates an us versus them mentality. Transference rears its ugly head. Exits from the group feel like death.

My final options are to cry, blog and talk to my loved ones. I had these catastrophic feelings for most of my life. I remember how bad it got, but I have my trusty husband and Ativan now. 

 

 

I Want …

There are things in I wish could happen at least once in my life. Am I wrong for wanting this?

I want ALL WOMEN to stop calling themselves females. The word female is an adjective not a noun! It describes. Example: Female doctor, female officer, female cat. Got it?

I want every Jehovah Witness to have their doorbell incessantly rung by conversion-seeking Muslims, Sikhs, Jews and Catholics (preferably Irish Catholics … they don’t play).

I want IRS agents to get obscenely audited. I mean go all the way back to their McDonald’s gig!

I want every mayor in America to ride the bus for two weeks, one in the summer and one in the dead of winter.

I want every slumlord in America to be sentenced to 30 days in a Tijuana or Cuidad Juarez barrio. I know it’s in Mexico but this is my wish list.

I want the head of TSA, Homeland Security and U.S. Customs to stand in line at the airport or cross the border with all the appropriate documentation.

I want a better mental healthcare system that prevents homeless vets and mass shootings. Most prisons are ridiculously housing the mentally ill and then spitting them into the street with a few pills!

I want every member of the NRA and their political whores to assist in performing the autopsies of every innocent child killed by gun violence.

I want every single sex offender to be sentenced to following: publicly (high traffic area) made to wear a sandwich board listing his crimes for 24 hours. The rest of his sentence can be served in general population.

Lastly, I want to find a way to forgive the selfish, arrogant, bigoted and heartless people in the world. I know that can included myself in that list. Please forgive me, God.

 

Thank You

For those of you who don’t know about me I have two major medical issues. I have bilateral arthritic knees and I’m bipolar.

These ‘issues’ are with me 24/7 and have become characters in my life. My left knee is the one that causes me to grimace on a regular basis.  My bipolar disorder makes me question my thoughts, beliefs and actions. Yes, I’m on my meds.

Today, we had friends over to our home. I was happy to see them. Their presence made me forget about all my pains. They actually evicted my pains and doubts.

This miracle has happened to me before. It’s funny how you can forget the cures available in your life. My mind and body respond well to humor, spontaneity, tenderness and warmth. My family and friends deliver it effortlessly.

I’m really grateful for every hug, kiss and smile I receive and give back. I know that I could not live without hope and support from my loved ones.  They make me want to be well in every sense of the word.

My will often times falters. When it does, I hold onto the love of my friends and family. They need me in theirs lives and I need them in mine.

It’s very simple. Love is a constant stream flowing all around us. We were never meant to be stagnant. We always need to move, nourish and give back in some way.

It’s easy to take love for granted so don’t. Tell your spouse, mother and wacky friend how much they mean to you and why. They need and deserve it as much as you do.  To all that love me, I feel the same way. Thank you for everything.

 

Sentence Me … I’m Guilty

I am here to purge, confess and giggle. Guilty pleasures. Everyone has them. And I’m about to share mine. I hope my readers comment on them. I’m digging in deep here.

Bare in mind that next month I turn 45 and that politically I am an extreme liberal. The political part will come into play.

I love a few Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. The Conan movies, True Lies, Kindergarten Cop and Twins! Yes, I know he is a politically conservative sexist pig. I can’t explain it!

Disaster movies are awesome! Why do I want millions to die? Sick.  Independence Day, 2012, Deep Impact, Armageddon and old school Poseidon Adventure.

I love all things related to Little House On The Prairie. Yes, I especially love the truly tragic episodes involving death, violence and shit-just-happens-to you occurrences. A pissed off and/or desperate Pa (Michael Landon) is priceless.

Under the good-dumb-fun category we have: Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, Tank Girl, This Is The End and Dogma.

I think it’s safe to say that most people think that if Keanu Reeves speaks as little as possible his films will do well. Case in point The Matrix trilogy and Speed. So why do I love the disastrous talkies : A Walk In The Clouds and Johnny Mnemonic? It’s so moronic that it’s brilliant!

I have seen all of the above about a thousand times and it never gets tires. One other discloser, I am married to a freelancer for the film and TV industry. I’m suppose to want more for my viewing pleasure … but I don’t.

My last theory is that I’m taking a lot of psychotropic drugs, but I was this way before the drugs. Oh well! It’s a lot more cool to be campy than to be un-campy. Pass the onion dip and chips. The sofa’s just fine.

 

 

 

Beneath Us

I have found the key to global peace and optimum humanity. Its been right under everyone’s nose for ages. It’s .. wait for it, wait for it, our beds!

You may laugh and/or scoff, but its true. My new mattress arrived yesterday and I slept for nine glorious hours. I woke up feeling great. No lower back pain. No racing thoughts. No complaints.

I think every political, industrial and social leader should be required to sleep at least eight hours on a high quality mattress.

And the bed must be made up with clean, cool, luxurious sheets and pillow cases. The last vital element to this formula is simple. The sleeper must take a bath or shower prior to going to bed.

Your body and mind must rest properly everyday. Lousy sleep is one reason why people get angry, irrational, confused and depressed. People have been known to get psychotic due to lack of sleep.

Taking copious amounts of booze and drugs are not proper substitutes either. It hinders and never helps. Just relax, lie down and focus on the loving, nonjudgmental, nocturnal haven. You’ll be doing the world a favor.

 

Rebuttal

My dream of debating rednecks, Tea Party disciples, Republicans and Duck Dynasty fanatics arrogant to say the least. Say what you will, but it’s my blog.

Illegals are ruining our country and taking our jobs! I find it hilarious you say that while inhaling a tamale.

I love fracking because I got paid real good. What good it money if the earth is eating your house?

I want the government out of my life! So you hate the federally employed mailman that brings you your social security check?

America takes care of their own through military spending. I guess you didn’t see that homeless vet peeing outside the VA.

I need all my guns and ammo in case I need to defend my home. Defend it from who? Al-Qaida isn’t going to fly thousand of miles to raid you refrigerator for beer, pork rinds and a bloody deer head.

Benghazi should never have happened! Invading Iraq without ever finding WMDs, Katrina’s massive screw-up, Columbine, the death of thousands of black citizens and the pointless war on drugs should never have happened.

Welfare people sure are fat and lazy. They’re obese because the are addicted to high sugar, processed food. It’s all they can afford. They’re lazy because of mental illness caused by obesity and isolation. Who would want to live like this voluntarily?

 

No Absolutes

Please be advised that I am not a lawyer. I speak only for myself. I am bipolar and I am 100% responsible for my behavior. Should I commit a crime I should be treated like anybody else.

This epidemic of mentally ill people getting off because of their condition pisses me off. Bipolars, schizophrenics and the depressed do not have a license to kill or rape. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere and have never seen civilization you are responsible.

Many mental patients don’t take their meds because of how it makes them feel. I include myself in this group. That said, I knew I had a responsibility to myself and others. I went back on my meds and that was my choice.

Life is about choices. You choose the behavior. You must accept the consequences. Short of a damaged brain from disease or trauma, try all defendants the same way. Not guilty by mental disease or defect cannot be an absolute excuse.

If a woman is traumatized due to any type of assault and kills the perpetrator (savagely or not) she is legitimately justified. He started the series of events and she ended it. She never killed before him and now she had to survive.

Unless you’re catatonic you know exactly who you are and where your urges take you. Example:  Drug addicts – Stay away from users and dealers. Convicted sex offenders – Stay away from parks, schools, Chucky Cheese and basically all places with kids. 

You have to be responsible. Period! If you hear voices tell your doctor. Tell anyone, immediately! Someone will help you if you are forthcoming and diligent. Your pride? Screw pride! Saving yourself and others trumps pride everyday and twice on Sunday.

 

Crazy About My Friends

I think it’s fair to say that most people are blessed with great friends. I know I am. And how do these buddies, gal pals and partners in crime come into our lives? So-and-so knows and introduces you to the funniest, coolest and sweetest person you’d ever want to meet.

And then you take that euphoric dip into the friendship pool. And it’s awesome! Intent is clear. We have got to get together again soon! Wasn’t she/he super nice? So on and so forth…

Now speaking as a proud member of the bipolar club, that euphoric dip is more like a belly flop from the space station.  Then the get together goes through the over analysis of a Lithium, Zoloft, Lamectal and Seroquel fueled brain.

I want to see them. Do they want to see me? Should it be at my place? My place looks like shit on a shingle. Damn it! My knee hurts like crazy. And the tangent goes on and on. This episode feels like its going to ride me straight to my coffin.

That said, my friends are great and I want to see them. And if I have to get a little (or a lot) manic, so be it.  Rumor has it that they want to see me too. Can’t imagine why. My house needs a turbo once-over. Maybe they just want be around me.