Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Where Is She?

Posted: May 20, 2016 in Family, Jokes, Politics
Tags: , ,
  • I brought up this question on Facebook and so feel obligated to bring it up here. I’ve been very interested in politics ever since I was 18 years old. Okay .. perhaps even before then. I recall California had a racist governor who hated Mexicans
  • Anyway, it was then that I knew I was a DHD (Die Hard Democrat). I’m so far to the left I make Michael Moore look like Carl Rove! Go ahead and laugh conservative dude. I do it all the time.
  • So with over 25 years of intense watching of CNN, MSNBC and a plethora of other political coverage sources certain things where staples. You could always count on rallies, debates and interviews of the candidates and their wives.
  •    So why haven’t we seen Melania Trump? I’m sure she’s done a few interviews but she’s not front and center. She’s going to be our potential First Lady hailing from not America with a college degree from … I don’t know!
  •    Is she not allowed to sit at the grown-up table? Is she not as bright, charming and approachable as Michelle Obama?  Send her in coach Trump! She can answer the hard questions! Right?
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Interesting Memento

Posted: August 9, 2014 in Health, Jokes, Life

I have heard of people keeping remnants of their surgery. Bullets, placenta, kidney stones, pins, screws and plates etc. are all treasured mementos.

So apparently the surgeon chisels and/or saws off bone during my knee replacement surgery. Hmm. Interesting indeed. Should I get the bits and pieces of me back in a plastic cup?

What would I do with it? I could incorporate it into an unusual backsplash. I might bury it in a garden or even a potted plant. I’ve got it! I can take it to a jeweler and make it into a pendant.

Have I gone too far? I think I have gone too far on the last one. I need to go classy on this one. Okay, how about having them bronzed into some fancy bookends?

I need to stop thinking about this surgery. Actually, I can’t. My mind is really impressing me.

So, on Monday (in 4 days) I will be getting my knee replacement surgery. This bipolar succinctly goes through a plethora of thoughts and emotions. And now I’ve stopped .

What do I want to do, think or say? Music! That’s it. I need to think about a Top Ten Playlist for knee surgery and/or hospitalization. This may take a while.

1. Like A Surgeon – Weird Al Yankovic

2. Flagpole Sitta – Harvey Danger

3. Not The Doctor – Alanis Morrisette

4. The First Cut Is the Deepest – Rod Stewart

5. King of Pain – The Police

6. Just Like A Pill – Pink

7. Everybody Hurts – R.E.M.

8. Hurt’s So Good – John Mellencamp

9. Scar Tissue – The Red Hot Chili Peppers

10. Walk This Way – by Aerosmith

Cheap Therapy

Posted: July 14, 2014 in Fun, Jokes, Life, Music, Society

If your date stole your wallet don’t worry. If your tires are all flat, it’ll be fine. If ants invaded your entire house … okay that part sucks, but here’s a little something to get you by.

http://www.nerdist.com/vepisode/weird-al-yankovic-gets-tacky-with-pharrells-happy/

Yes, I’m in that mood.  Chuckle, chuckle! I hope people laugh. Not really. I laughed already. Hee, hee.

Hey, Texas. The Inquisition called. They want their toys and humanity back.

Hey GOP. The Black (Bubonic yes, it’s a science word) Plague called. It’ll see you soon!

Hey, V. Putin. 80s Communism called. It wants you to stop pretending its the 80’s!

Hey, Democrats. The jellyfish called. They said not having a spine is no excuse for being utterly pathetic!

Hey, Obamacare. Republican voters called using a voice-changing device. They want you around … forever!

Hey, Michelle Bachmann. Hoover called. They want the vacuum in your head back.

Hey, MySpace. Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn called. They said get off the net or they’re going to put you in a hurt locker!

Hey, Gas guzzling old ass cars. Green America called. It said it will destroy you by any means necessary. So drive at your own risk!

Hey, snotty American tourists. Europe repeatedly called. They want their continent back and free from dirty American immigrants!

 

 

 

 

I’m a little scatter brain today or manic or myself! Argh! I can’t decide. You guys figure it out and let me know.

What did the lady electrician say to her date? Looks like you got a short! 

What’s the easiest way a girl can end a relationship? Tell the guy you want to get pregnant.

How does one make brownies? With pot and law enforcement’s blessing, of course!

When is it okay for a guy to live in his parents’ house? When his parents live in another house.

How do you get terrorists to surrender? Bombard them with rotting pig parts and Pussy Riot music!

How do you get thugs to stop fighting? Amplify the sound of nails on a chalkboard through the neighborhood.

What’s the worst thing a child can say to a parent?  “I’ll write an e-book.”

It was funny in my head. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

 

 

 

I am here to purge, confess and giggle. Guilty pleasures. Everyone has them. And I’m about to share mine. I hope my readers comment on them. I’m digging in deep here.

Bare in mind that next month I turn 45 and that politically I am an extreme liberal. The political part will come into play.

I love a few Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. The Conan movies, True Lies, Kindergarten Cop and Twins! Yes, I know he is a politically conservative sexist pig. I can’t explain it!

Disaster movies are awesome! Why do I want millions to die? Sick.  Independence Day, 2012, Deep Impact, Armageddon and old school Poseidon Adventure.

I love all things related to Little House On The Prairie. Yes, I especially love the truly tragic episodes involving death, violence and shit-just-happens-to you occurrences. A pissed off and/or desperate Pa (Michael Landon) is priceless.

Under the good-dumb-fun category we have: Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, Tank Girl, This Is The End and Dogma.

I think it’s safe to say that most people think that if Keanu Reeves speaks as little as possible his films will do well. Case in point The Matrix trilogy and Speed. So why do I love the disastrous talkies : A Walk In The Clouds and Johnny Mnemonic? It’s so moronic that it’s brilliant!

I have seen all of the above about a thousand times and it never gets tires. One other discloser, I am married to a freelancer for the film and TV industry. I’m suppose to want more for my viewing pleasure … but I don’t.

My last theory is that I’m taking a lot of psychotropic drugs, but I was this way before the drugs. Oh well! It’s a lot more cool to be campy than to be un-campy. Pass the onion dip and chips. The sofa’s just fine.