Archive for the ‘Fun’ Category

So, on Monday (in 4 days) I will be getting my knee replacement surgery. This bipolar succinctly goes through a plethora of thoughts and emotions. And now I’ve stopped .

What do I want to do, think or say? Music! That’s it. I need to think about a Top Ten Playlist for knee surgery and/or hospitalization. This may take a while.

1. Like A Surgeon – Weird Al Yankovic

2. Flagpole Sitta – Harvey Danger

3. Not The Doctor – Alanis Morrisette

4. The First Cut Is the Deepest – Rod Stewart

5. King of Pain – The Police

6. Just Like A Pill – Pink

7. Everybody Hurts – R.E.M.

8. Hurt’s So Good – John Mellencamp

9. Scar Tissue – The Red Hot Chili Peppers

10. Walk This Way – by Aerosmith

Yes. It’s that time again. Your beloved bipolar is in a list making mood. The topic? It’s incredibly contrived but my lithium has yet to kick in. What all, most, more than ten women want.

1. To make more money than men – no need to explain.

2. The perfect bra – this is such a big deal. Bras have stabbed, chafed and bound helpless breasts for centuries. They should be pretty, soft and supportive,

3. A world where every man is circumcised – A short circumcised penis trumps a huge uncircumcised penis every day of the week. Just being honest.

4. A way to make men get pregnant – After 9 months they are then qualified to pass laws and opinions on reproductive rights.

6. To own a pair of Manolo Blahniks (shoes) – even if you can’t wear them you can place it in a crystal case and show it to your friends.

7. No matter how conservative a woman can be she still wants at least one gay friend and/or hairdresser. You can’t fight it. It’s nature. Gays complete you – thanks Jerry McGuire.

8. The complete eradication of yeast infections, UTIs and cramps – If we get this the world gets a kickass nirvana.

9. A real man with a job, his own place and never borrows money from anyone.

10. Honesty – for some reason men and women have a hard time with this. Maybe it’s because vulnerability is involved. I get it. Its tough. Still, it is what women want.

Cheap Therapy

Posted: July 14, 2014 in Fun, Jokes, Life, Music, Society

If your date stole your wallet don’t worry. If your tires are all flat, it’ll be fine. If ants invaded your entire house … okay that part sucks, but here’s a little something to get you by.

http://www.nerdist.com/vepisode/weird-al-yankovic-gets-tacky-with-pharrells-happy/

I just finished watching a documentary For the Bible Tells Me So (2007) about how conservative Christians use the Bible to justify their oppression and hatred against the LGBT community.

I enjoyed the debate and evolution of families from a social and religious standpoint, but I got to thinking outside this hotbed (no pun intended) of drama.

I need a world with weird, kooky, complicated, askew, flamboyant and blazingly different. I could never live in a gated community where all the houses look alike. It would drive me nuts!

There is nothing I love more than variety. I look back to the times when America looked like it was under the Stepford Wives spell. In the 50s everything was lovely, pleasing and sterile as hell.

I need the gays, lesbians, question marks, weirdoes, kooks, nerds, troubadours, readers, blacks, whites, foreigners with thick accents and manic hug-hoarding riot starters.

Life would be awful if no one tried to jam the square peg into the round hole. Go ahead and paint outside the lines. As a matter of fact, get a demolition crew and blow up the lines!

Still, there are people who want meatloaf on Tuesdays and their clothes starched, pressed and hanging thoughtfully in the closet. Cool. As long as you’re happy. Just don’t shove your nirvana into my happiness.

 

As a young girl growing up the poverty-stricken neighborhoods of L.A. I dreamt of travel to interesting places. I was sure that I would never see my fantasy locations given my background.

Nonetheless, I sought out photos of New York and the Hawaiian islands. I interrogated anyone that every went there and the typical oohs and aahs followed.  

As I immersed myself in books (encyclopedias) I found my list expanding to Australia, Egypt, Cuba, UK and France. The world in general became more real to me at a young age.

So I sought out libraries, museums and gardens. My mother took me to the Huntington Library in San Marino, CA http://www.huntington.org/. They had a Japanese garden that transported my mind to beautiful classic Japan.

I actually developed a crush on King Tut and the very fictional Aladdin. It’s funny how a child’s mind works. I wonder if kids ever think this way.

When I met my husband in 1999 he took me to New York to meet his parents. I was an 8 years-old in a 39 year-old’s body for a few days. Less than a year later we were on our honeymoon in Maui.

I got to see the twin towers from the top of the Empire State building before the horror of 9/11. I got to touch a banyan tree that was living like a forest. A few years ago, we went to the island of Kauai and saw the Pacific’s mini Grand Canyon and took a boat ride on Hawaii’s only navigable river.

The 8 year-old me could never fathom such treasures in the world. I hope there are kids of all ages that feel the way I do. This way of thinking fosters wonderment, tolerance, joy and concern for the world. We all need that to avoid living in a self-imposed jail. 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I’m in that mood.  Chuckle, chuckle! I hope people laugh. Not really. I laughed already. Hee, hee.

Hey, Texas. The Inquisition called. They want their toys and humanity back.

Hey GOP. The Black (Bubonic yes, it’s a science word) Plague called. It’ll see you soon!

Hey, V. Putin. 80s Communism called. It wants you to stop pretending its the 80’s!

Hey, Democrats. The jellyfish called. They said not having a spine is no excuse for being utterly pathetic!

Hey, Obamacare. Republican voters called using a voice-changing device. They want you around … forever!

Hey, Michelle Bachmann. Hoover called. They want the vacuum in your head back.

Hey, MySpace. Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn called. They said get off the net or they’re going to put you in a hurt locker!

Hey, Gas guzzling old ass cars. Green America called. It said it will destroy you by any means necessary. So drive at your own risk!

Hey, snotty American tourists. Europe repeatedly called. They want their continent back and free from dirty American immigrants!

 

 

 

 

I’m a little scatter brain today or manic or myself! Argh! I can’t decide. You guys figure it out and let me know.

What did the lady electrician say to her date? Looks like you got a short! 

What’s the easiest way a girl can end a relationship? Tell the guy you want to get pregnant.

How does one make brownies? With pot and law enforcement’s blessing, of course!

When is it okay for a guy to live in his parents’ house? When his parents live in another house.

How do you get terrorists to surrender? Bombard them with rotting pig parts and Pussy Riot music!

How do you get thugs to stop fighting? Amplify the sound of nails on a chalkboard through the neighborhood.

What’s the worst thing a child can say to a parent?  “I’ll write an e-book.”

It was funny in my head. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

 

 

 

I am here to purge, confess and giggle. Guilty pleasures. Everyone has them. And I’m about to share mine. I hope my readers comment on them. I’m digging in deep here.

Bare in mind that next month I turn 45 and that politically I am an extreme liberal. The political part will come into play.

I love a few Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. The Conan movies, True Lies, Kindergarten Cop and Twins! Yes, I know he is a politically conservative sexist pig. I can’t explain it!

Disaster movies are awesome! Why do I want millions to die? Sick.  Independence Day, 2012, Deep Impact, Armageddon and old school Poseidon Adventure.

I love all things related to Little House On The Prairie. Yes, I especially love the truly tragic episodes involving death, violence and shit-just-happens-to you occurrences. A pissed off and/or desperate Pa (Michael Landon) is priceless.

Under the good-dumb-fun category we have: Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, Tank Girl, This Is The End and Dogma.

I think it’s safe to say that most people think that if Keanu Reeves speaks as little as possible his films will do well. Case in point The Matrix trilogy and Speed. So why do I love the disastrous talkies : A Walk In The Clouds and Johnny Mnemonic? It’s so moronic that it’s brilliant!

I have seen all of the above about a thousand times and it never gets tires. One other discloser, I am married to a freelancer for the film and TV industry. I’m suppose to want more for my viewing pleasure … but I don’t.

My last theory is that I’m taking a lot of psychotropic drugs, but I was this way before the drugs. Oh well! It’s a lot more cool to be campy than to be un-campy. Pass the onion dip and chips. The sofa’s just fine.

 

 

 

When life gets tough I like to think about the simply adorable joys in life. Such as …

Copious amounts of wasabi in my brother’s green tea iced cream.

The likelihood of job-killing moguls being involved in yachting accidents in the middle of the ocean!

Pretty mouth pedophiles sentenced to decades in general population – welcome home!

Tea Party redneck crapping his pants at a NASCAR race because he almost got hit.

Hunting accidents involving drunk rednecks and semi-automatic assault rifles – Darwinism at its finest.

Republican governor Rick Scott having his house eaten by a massive sinkhole – Go frackers!

Last but not least: Butter pecan iced cream, German chocolate cake, sushi, my crazy funny friends and awesome husband.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a horrible, terrible loathsome blogger. That said, I hope everyone chuckles a bit. Smooches to all from the Crazy L.A. Latina!

I am a proud liberal Democrat and I support everyone’s right to bare arms! Short and no sleeves for everybody! There’s your guns and ammo! If God gave them to you there is no finer weapon!

If your husband threatens to divorce you abandon him with all his ADHD kids on an early Saturday morning. Take his car keys and the all the kids’ meds. Your cell phone will ring incessantly but by the end of the day he’ll agree to anything.

When hot people get naked in public, we call it a public service. When fat, hairy, ugly people get naked in public, we call them sex offenders, nasty perverts committing a felony!  I’m okay with this distinction.
If you want to get back at your douche bag brother mix a sleeping pill and 2 laxative tablets in his drink while he’s cramming for his mid-terms.