Archive for the ‘Men’ Category

The Right One

Posted: May 28, 2016 in Health, Life, Love, Marriage, Men

 

I have had many medical issues throughout my marriage. Surgery for this. Therapy for that. An army of healthcare professionals armed with a plethora of medication.

When you’ve been plagued with various physical and mental challenges you really do test those marriage vows. They are much more than loving words in a religious ceremony.

My husband is my connection to everything … including him. I’m so grateful for that. He naturally identifies what I need or where I’m growing. He takes care of all of me.

Everything good in me shines on the platform he provided. This blog is housed in the tablet my love gifted me. My husband truly gets me and loves me in whatever state I’m in.

Imagine walking around knowing that you are safe, really safe with your partner in life. I trust my man with every fiber of my being because he’s earned my trust from the day we first met.

Loving my husband is effortless. Celebrating his life is a joy and an honor. My husband’s name is Scott and tomorrow we will celebrate his birthday.

God blessed me before I was born. Out of all the guys in the world … I am perfectly loved by the right one. Thank you for being born and wrapping me in your arms.

Advertisements

Yes. It’s that time again. Your beloved bipolar is in a list making mood. The topic? It’s incredibly contrived but my lithium has yet to kick in. What all, most, more than ten women want.

1. To make more money than men – no need to explain.

2. The perfect bra – this is such a big deal. Bras have stabbed, chafed and bound helpless breasts for centuries. They should be pretty, soft and supportive,

3. A world where every man is circumcised – A short circumcised penis trumps a huge uncircumcised penis every day of the week. Just being honest.

4. A way to make men get pregnant – After 9 months they are then qualified to pass laws and opinions on reproductive rights.

6. To own a pair of Manolo Blahniks (shoes) – even if you can’t wear them you can place it in a crystal case and show it to your friends.

7. No matter how conservative a woman can be she still wants at least one gay friend and/or hairdresser. You can’t fight it. It’s nature. Gays complete you – thanks Jerry McGuire.

8. The complete eradication of yeast infections, UTIs and cramps – If we get this the world gets a kickass nirvana.

9. A real man with a job, his own place and never borrows money from anyone.

10. Honesty – for some reason men and women have a hard time with this. Maybe it’s because vulnerability is involved. I get it. Its tough. Still, it is what women want.

Fall Back

Posted: July 9, 2014 in Life, Men, sex, Society, women

It always amazes me how fickle and manipulative women can be. Yes, I include myself in this circle. Why do guys follow their unfair lead? I see examples of these traits everywhere and especially in nail salons.

If intellect and logic don’t work try whining, cleavage or sexual pouting. Women learn early that men are mostly penis and the hint of sex is enough to sway them.

When I was in middle school and high school I used this advantage on my male teachers. Not liking your grades? There’s an app for that!  It was all covertly flirtatious and harmless on the surface. I knew it was wrong, but it worked.

My mother often drove her kids from Los Angeles to Torreon, Mexico in a VW Rabbit. It would overheat quite a bit. She would hail down a truck driver and pout while saying ” Oh my goodness. What will I do”.  Driver goes into rescue mode and my mom dubs him her savior.

I know a girl who was stringing a guy along (no sex) and getting him to buy her anything for years. And yes, she had a boyfriend she was screwing at the same time. What did puppy dog get? He got a face full of huge boobs and being the eternal butt of her insulting jokes.

Maybe this is why women in the middle east are required to cover everything but their eyes. The men don’t want to get played. I’ve seen many beautiful Arab and Persian women. The guys wouldn’t stand a chance. 

I realize that everyone uses their assets consciously and unconsciously, I guess I resent the overt and repetitive way some women always rely on such tactics. You’re bright! Why play the dumb booby blond girl? And guys need to look at eyes more often.

 

 

 

I’m in a very preachy mood. So if it you don’t want to hear it (or read it), move on to something else. I won’t be offended. The bee in my bonnet today is how women and men behave in alleged relationships.  So here are the guidelines:

Ladies, first –

Stop belittling or berating your man! I know you think its all in good fun, but it’s not. Making your man feel like a loser in front of anybody is not cool. Period.

Stop using sex to get things from the mall, online or your hair done. If he doesn’t have the money, don’t make him use his credit card, parents or buddies.

Stop flirting with every man he knows or doesn’t know. You know you do it. I’ve seen girls flirt with their boyfriends’ fathers. Shame on you!

Do not have sex with another guy to punish your man for cheating. Just break up with him. I mean really break up with him. No Facebook, tweeting, texting, blogging, calls or driving by his house. Just move on.

Your turn, guys

Do not move in with her. Unless you’re engaged (that means a ring on her finger and date set), you do not need to live with her. Dating and living together are worlds apart.

If you lost your job, owe money to the IRS, have bad credit or a criminal record, do not hide it from her. Your lies will only get bigger and it will blow up in your face. Besides, honesty and trust is a byproduct of love.

If you think she’s cheating on you, break up.  No Facebook, tweeting, texting, blogging, calls or driving by her house. Just move on. Yup. Same as the ladies.

If you don’t love her anymore, say so. If she can’t handle being your friend, leave her alone. It’s her choice not yours.

If your buddies have terms like bros before hoes when referring to you girlfriend, they’re not your friends. They’re guys who don’t want you in a happily committed relationship. Never let anyone disrespect your lady.

Something to think about people. Please grow up. You will not be young forever.

I am livid to no end right now! I was running errands today. I was happy as can be. I went to the post office and then headed for Target to buy Halloween candy for the kiddies.

While I was in the lady’s room, the devil was occupying one of the stalls. She spoke loudly and said things I could not believe.

Verbatim:  I don’t care how many DNA tests come back positive. If she’s not willing to live with you, you don’t have to pay for that baby. Just pretend she doesn’t exist. I’ll get you a good lawyer, son.

I was floored, nauseous, raging mad and itching to slug her bitch face a couple of times. Don’t worry. I didn’t. I spoke up instead.

She was at the sink, washing her hands. With venom in my voice I said, shame on you.  She replied, what are you talking about?

I said, you know what I’m talking about. She replied, mind your own business. I said, you made it my business by talking loudly in a public restroom!

As I exited the restroom, I heard her say fuck you bitch. What kind of woman advises her son to treat his child and her grandchild like this?

Positive DNA tests not good enough? This is how you keep your adult son from becoming a man. Men who don’t take personal responsibility for their children’s welfare are not men. They are boys in need of a vasectomy.

As far as this grandmother of the year, she needs live in a dungeon away from humanity. She can make the rats her pets.

Lets talk about PDAs. Public Displays of Affection are par for the course when it comes to Latinos. Not all societies embrace (no pun intended) this tradition.

I am absolutely straight. I also kiss my mother, sister, female friends and family. When I lived in Mexico, I walked arm in arm or holding hands with all my female relatives.

If I had done that in the U.S. people most likely would have thought of me as a lesbian or bisexual. By the way, there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian or bisexual.

Now lets talk about men’s same-sex PDAs. You got your bro hug, fist tap, high-five, full-on hug and kiss on the cheek for dear old dad, grandpa or favorite uncle on his death-bed.

I know lots of kids that kiss both genders on the lips. It doesn’t make them dirty. It isn’t sexual in any way. Then they reach an age when it’s programmed into their brains, it isn’t okay to kiss on the lips anymore.

Many men and women in other countries don’t have an issue with this, but Americans do. Why is that? I think it’s because Americans demonize love and affection. If men do it, it must be dirty. If women do it, they must be sluts.

American society also wants to avoid the sex talk. Why is this? Are they afraid their kids will say gross, nasty or yuck? Or maybe they’re afraid they’ll have more questions.

Parents need to talk about it. If they don’t talk, a pervert or horny kid will have their own talk with them. We all sigh when a parent kisses a young child. It’s sweet. I think people make the sweetness dirty.

 

 

Just a few jokes to hilariously disgust you. If you don’t care for them, keep it to yourself. Ignorance is bliss!

After 20 years of marriage, I’m leaving you for another woman. Phew! I was about to say the same thing!

We’re letting you go because you lack inspiration. (thought) Inspiration, huh? I planted a virus in the mainframe! Inspired enough for ya?

You have two months to live. That’s okay. I have my boss’ secret credit card! Hello Bangkok and Amsterdam!

Mommie, can I keep this cat? Just like your father … always bringing in stray pussy into my house!

Please let me stay another night! I need your love so badly! No! You’re not my only client, Senator!

This is the ultimate diet. No fat, carbs, protein, vegetables or fruit! Am I allowed to breathe? Sure, for dessert of course.

Does this dress make me look slutty? No, you look really nice. Damn it! I was going for the whore chic look!

Wanna ride the pony, baby? When’s that pony gonna turn into the stallion you promised? 

Happy Birthday! I bought you a truly classic mode of transportation. Uh, it’s a horse and buggy. Yeah, classic.

That club scene is so fake, loud and full of shallow assholes. Couldn’t get in, huh? Not even close!

I’m happy to inform you that your son can skip high school and go straight to college. His IQ is 120! Hell no! I can’t afford college! C’mon son, we got some brain cells to kill! 

Dad, I’ve been accepted to Columbia! That’s great, baby. I didn’t know you spoke Spanish!

You’ve held me back long enough! I’m going to spread my wings and fly. You may not hear from me for the first year. Uh, can you lend me $20?

How does he get everyone to jump out of the plane? He tells them that there’s a bomb on the plane! Wow, that’s clever! No, there really is a bomb on the plane!

Life is cruel, unfair and too many have run it into the ditch! I can’t go on like this! Honey Boo Boo, Duck Dynasty and NASCAR will be back on as soon as you pay the cable bill!