Archive for June, 2014

There are things in I wish could happen at least once in my life. Am I wrong for wanting this?

I want ALL WOMEN to stop calling themselves females. The word female is an adjective not a noun! It describes. Example: Female doctor, female officer, female cat. Got it?

I want every Jehovah Witness to have their doorbell incessantly rung by conversion-seeking Muslims, Sikhs, Jews and Catholics (preferably Irish Catholics … they don’t play).

I want IRS agents to get obscenely audited. I mean go all the way back to their McDonald’s gig!

I want every mayor in America to ride the bus for two weeks, one in the summer and one in the dead of winter.

I want every slumlord in America to be sentenced to 30 days in a Tijuana or Cuidad Juarez barrio. I know it’s in Mexico but this is my wish list.

I want the head of TSA, Homeland Security and U.S. Customs to stand in line at the airport or cross the border with all the appropriate documentation.

I want a better mental healthcare system that prevents homeless vets and mass shootings. Most prisons are ridiculously housing the mentally ill and then spitting them into the street with a few pills!

I want every member of the NRA and their political whores to assist in performing the autopsies of every innocent child killed by gun violence.

I want every single sex offender to be sentenced to following: publicly (high traffic area) made to wear a sandwich board listing his crimes for 24 hours. The rest of his sentence can be served in general population.

Lastly, I want to find a way to forgive the selfish, arrogant, bigoted and heartless people in the world. I know that can included myself in that list. Please forgive me, God.

 

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For those of you who don’t know about me I have two major medical issues. I have bilateral arthritic knees and I’m bipolar.

These ‘issues’ are with me 24/7 and have become characters in my life. My left knee is the one that causes me to grimace on a regular basis.  My bipolar disorder makes me question my thoughts, beliefs and actions. Yes, I’m on my meds.

Today, we had friends over to our home. I was happy to see them. Their presence made me forget about all my pains. They actually evicted my pains and doubts.

This miracle has happened to me before. It’s funny how you can forget the cures available in your life. My mind and body respond well to humor, spontaneity, tenderness and warmth. My family and friends deliver it effortlessly.

I’m really grateful for every hug, kiss and smile I receive and give back. I know that I could not live without hope and support from my loved ones.  They make me want to be well in every sense of the word.

My will often times falters. When it does, I hold onto the love of my friends and family. They need me in theirs lives and I need them in mine.

It’s very simple. Love is a constant stream flowing all around us. We were never meant to be stagnant. We always need to move, nourish and give back in some way.

It’s easy to take love for granted so don’t. Tell your spouse, mother and wacky friend how much they mean to you and why. They need and deserve it as much as you do.  To all that love me, I feel the same way. Thank you for everything.

 

I’m a little scatter brain today or manic or myself! Argh! I can’t decide. You guys figure it out and let me know.

What did the lady electrician say to her date? Looks like you got a short! 

What’s the easiest way a girl can end a relationship? Tell the guy you want to get pregnant.

How does one make brownies? With pot and law enforcement’s blessing, of course!

When is it okay for a guy to live in his parents’ house? When his parents live in another house.

How do you get terrorists to surrender? Bombard them with rotting pig parts and Pussy Riot music!

How do you get thugs to stop fighting? Amplify the sound of nails on a chalkboard through the neighborhood.

What’s the worst thing a child can say to a parent?  “I’ll write an e-book.”

It was funny in my head. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

 

 

 

I am here to purge, confess and giggle. Guilty pleasures. Everyone has them. And I’m about to share mine. I hope my readers comment on them. I’m digging in deep here.

Bare in mind that next month I turn 45 and that politically I am an extreme liberal. The political part will come into play.

I love a few Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. The Conan movies, True Lies, Kindergarten Cop and Twins! Yes, I know he is a politically conservative sexist pig. I can’t explain it!

Disaster movies are awesome! Why do I want millions to die? Sick.  Independence Day, 2012, Deep Impact, Armageddon and old school Poseidon Adventure.

I love all things related to Little House On The Prairie. Yes, I especially love the truly tragic episodes involving death, violence and shit-just-happens-to you occurrences. A pissed off and/or desperate Pa (Michael Landon) is priceless.

Under the good-dumb-fun category we have: Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, Tank Girl, This Is The End and Dogma.

I think it’s safe to say that most people think that if Keanu Reeves speaks as little as possible his films will do well. Case in point The Matrix trilogy and Speed. So why do I love the disastrous talkies : A Walk In The Clouds and Johnny Mnemonic? It’s so moronic that it’s brilliant!

I have seen all of the above about a thousand times and it never gets tires. One other discloser, I am married to a freelancer for the film and TV industry. I’m suppose to want more for my viewing pleasure … but I don’t.

My last theory is that I’m taking a lot of psychotropic drugs, but I was this way before the drugs. Oh well! It’s a lot more cool to be campy than to be un-campy. Pass the onion dip and chips. The sofa’s just fine.

 

 

 

I don’t feel like talking about taxes. So I’ll talk about death. No. I’m not feeling morbid. I’m just raising an issue that few wish to think about.

I get that people want to live for as long as they can. Why not? Life, for the most part, is worth living. But is it worth living at all costs? For me, the answer is no.

I will not harm another human being to survive. Last seat on the lifeboat is going to a kid. Period. And I think most people feel the same way.

The flip side to all this humanity is confusing to me. Why do many believers in God spend obscene amounts of money on home security? By this I mean, security systems, bunkers and military grade weapons?

If you believe in God, you know He decides when it’s your time to go. He is the alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end. The final judge. So why try to hedge your bets?

Don’t get me wrong. If you have a disease that can possibly be cured through treatment, do the treatment until the treatment is pointless and worse than the disease.

Maybe some people are afraid of being judged harshly – i.e. fairly. Perhaps that’s why they fear death. I think many fear the unknown. Most people hate surprises and death can be a doozy.

Let me be clear. I do not advocate suicide or any form of self harm. I advocate life with all its twists and turns. You don’t have to be Julie Andrews spinning on top of a mountain. And you don’t have to be sickly curmudgeon badmouthing the happy people of the world.

Pay attention to the silly, weird, colorful and savory. Do a little of that everyday and you are living. If you worry about going to hell, change for the better. Redeem yourself and be proud of your redemption.

When life gets tough I like to think about the simply adorable joys in life. Such as …

Copious amounts of wasabi in my brother’s green tea iced cream.

The likelihood of job-killing moguls being involved in yachting accidents in the middle of the ocean!

Pretty mouth pedophiles sentenced to decades in general population – welcome home!

Tea Party redneck crapping his pants at a NASCAR race because he almost got hit.

Hunting accidents involving drunk rednecks and semi-automatic assault rifles – Darwinism at its finest.

Republican governor Rick Scott having his house eaten by a massive sinkhole – Go frackers!

Last but not least: Butter pecan iced cream, German chocolate cake, sushi, my crazy funny friends and awesome husband.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a horrible, terrible loathsome blogger. That said, I hope everyone chuckles a bit. Smooches to all from the Crazy L.A. Latina!

I am a proud liberal Democrat and I support everyone’s right to bare arms! Short and no sleeves for everybody! There’s your guns and ammo! If God gave them to you there is no finer weapon!

If your husband threatens to divorce you abandon him with all his ADHD kids on an early Saturday morning. Take his car keys and the all the kids’ meds. Your cell phone will ring incessantly but by the end of the day he’ll agree to anything.

When hot people get naked in public, we call it a public service. When fat, hairy, ugly people get naked in public, we call them sex offenders, nasty perverts committing a felony!  I’m okay with this distinction.
If you want to get back at your douche bag brother mix a sleeping pill and 2 laxative tablets in his drink while he’s cramming for his mid-terms.