Archive for the ‘Friendship’ Category

Regardless of the fact that I take my Lithium, Seroquel, Zoloft and Lamectal every night the world can trump my psychiatric due diligence.  I use to think my pills could save me from everything.

The world showed me how the psychotically violent either went off their meds or was never on them to begin with. The message was take your meds and you’ll be just fine. Damn, I’m stupid.

So when human atrocities and cruelty happen across the globe and right here at home it can be devastating for me.The panic feeling wells up inside me. My muscles ache as if I had the flu. Then my mind decides to run a marathon without shoes.

Perhaps I should just turn off my TV, PC and Kindle. Even better I can just leave my husband, family and friends to reside in a lovely cave. Uh, no. I’ve gone too far. So what should I do?

I bet most readers of this post think I should just go to therapy. My psychiatrist prefers that I go but it’s not a priority for me. For one thing I’ve been therapist shopping and it isn’t easy. Chemistry has to be there.

Then I considered group therapy. I’ve been in 3 behavioral programs where I bonded with everyone. It’s nice to be in a group where everyone gets it . Downside is that creates an us versus them mentality. Transference rears its ugly head. Exits from the group feel like death.

My final options are to cry, blog and talk to my loved ones. I had these catastrophic feelings for most of my life. I remember how bad it got, but I have my trusty husband and Ativan now. 



Yes. It’s that time again. Your beloved bipolar is in a list making mood. The topic? It’s incredibly contrived but my lithium has yet to kick in. What all, most, more than ten women want.

1. To make more money than men – no need to explain.

2. The perfect bra – this is such a big deal. Bras have stabbed, chafed and bound helpless breasts for centuries. They should be pretty, soft and supportive,

3. A world where every man is circumcised – A short circumcised penis trumps a huge uncircumcised penis every day of the week. Just being honest.

4. A way to make men get pregnant – After 9 months they are then qualified to pass laws and opinions on reproductive rights.

6. To own a pair of Manolo Blahniks (shoes) – even if you can’t wear them you can place it in a crystal case and show it to your friends.

7. No matter how conservative a woman can be she still wants at least one gay friend and/or hairdresser. You can’t fight it. It’s nature. Gays complete you – thanks Jerry McGuire.

8. The complete eradication of yeast infections, UTIs and cramps – If we get this the world gets a kickass nirvana.

9. A real man with a job, his own place and never borrows money from anyone.

10. Honesty – for some reason men and women have a hard time with this. Maybe it’s because vulnerability is involved. I get it. Its tough. Still, it is what women want.

My topic for today is being a woman. I’ve been one my whole life (ha ha) and have much to say about this matter. Bear in mind that I can only speak on this matter from my first hand experiences.

I truly believe that every woman has the little mean girl lurking inside her. She may not come out that often, but she’s there. Women have ended lasting friendships based on jealousy alone.

If two girlfriends go out and only one gets all the male attention and the other gets dismissed, the rejected one will end the friendship by ignoring her friend or fabricating a story to use as an excuse.

Another phenomenon is when women in power allow or participate in injustices against other women. And these women aren’t necessarily malicious. So why do they stand-by without acting? Fear? Self preservation? Or maybe they try to justify wrong behavior at any cost.

On YouTube I saw a clip of a female judge (master) watching an innocent woman being arrested. The mother had just been sexually assaulted by the marshall.

On the flip side, women are capable of amazing things and extraordinary compassion. Lovingly raising a child conceived in rape and not for religious reasons. Relinquishing or risking your own life to save the life of another is not an issue for many women.

A few years ago I worked as a hospice volunteer. Sadly, I didn’t have the mental fortitude to stay. There were women that did hair and nails for the patients. Others (myself included) delivered fresh flowers. I had one patient that loved orange soda. I, of course, bought her plenty.

We can all be petty and understanding, stingy and generous, bitchy and thoughtful. And by we, I mean men and women. You just have to focus on the best part of you. The part that you’ve always been proud of.





I just finished watching a documentary For the Bible Tells Me So (2007) about how conservative Christians use the Bible to justify their oppression and hatred against the LGBT community.

I enjoyed the debate and evolution of families from a social and religious standpoint, but I got to thinking outside this hotbed (no pun intended) of drama.

I need a world with weird, kooky, complicated, askew, flamboyant and blazingly different. I could never live in a gated community where all the houses look alike. It would drive me nuts!

There is nothing I love more than variety. I look back to the times when America looked like it was under the Stepford Wives spell. In the 50s everything was lovely, pleasing and sterile as hell.

I need the gays, lesbians, question marks, weirdoes, kooks, nerds, troubadours, readers, blacks, whites, foreigners with thick accents and manic hug-hoarding riot starters.

Life would be awful if no one tried to jam the square peg into the round hole. Go ahead and paint outside the lines. As a matter of fact, get a demolition crew and blow up the lines!

Still, there are people who want meatloaf on Tuesdays and their clothes starched, pressed and hanging thoughtfully in the closet. Cool. As long as you’re happy. Just don’t shove your nirvana into my happiness.


For those of you who don’t know about me I have two major medical issues. I have bilateral arthritic knees and I’m bipolar.

These ‘issues’ are with me 24/7 and have become characters in my life. My left knee is the one that causes me to grimace on a regular basis.  My bipolar disorder makes me question my thoughts, beliefs and actions. Yes, I’m on my meds.

Today, we had friends over to our home. I was happy to see them. Their presence made me forget about all my pains. They actually evicted my pains and doubts.

This miracle has happened to me before. It’s funny how you can forget the cures available in your life. My mind and body respond well to humor, spontaneity, tenderness and warmth. My family and friends deliver it effortlessly.

I’m really grateful for every hug, kiss and smile I receive and give back. I know that I could not live without hope and support from my loved ones.  They make me want to be well in every sense of the word.

My will often times falters. When it does, I hold onto the love of my friends and family. They need me in theirs lives and I need them in mine.

It’s very simple. Love is a constant stream flowing all around us. We were never meant to be stagnant. We always need to move, nourish and give back in some way.

It’s easy to take love for granted so don’t. Tell your spouse, mother and wacky friend how much they mean to you and why. They need and deserve it as much as you do.  To all that love me, I feel the same way. Thank you for everything.


When life gets tough I like to think about the simply adorable joys in life. Such as …

Copious amounts of wasabi in my brother’s green tea iced cream.

The likelihood of job-killing moguls being involved in yachting accidents in the middle of the ocean!

Pretty mouth pedophiles sentenced to decades in general population – welcome home!

Tea Party redneck crapping his pants at a NASCAR race because he almost got hit.

Hunting accidents involving drunk rednecks and semi-automatic assault rifles – Darwinism at its finest.

Republican governor Rick Scott having his house eaten by a massive sinkhole – Go frackers!

Last but not least: Butter pecan iced cream, German chocolate cake, sushi, my crazy funny friends and awesome husband.








I think it’s fair to say that most people are blessed with great friends. I know I am. And how do these buddies, gal pals and partners in crime come into our lives? So-and-so knows and introduces you to the funniest, coolest and sweetest person you’d ever want to meet.

And then you take that euphoric dip into the friendship pool. And it’s awesome! Intent is clear. We have got to get together again soon! Wasn’t she/he super nice? So on and so forth…

Now speaking as a proud member of the bipolar club, that euphoric dip is more like a belly flop from the space station.  Then the get together goes through the over analysis of a Lithium, Zoloft, Lamectal and Seroquel fueled brain.

I want to see them. Do they want to see me? Should it be at my place? My place looks like shit on a shingle. Damn it! My knee hurts like crazy. And the tangent goes on and on. This episode feels like its going to ride me straight to my coffin.

That said, my friends are great and I want to see them. And if I have to get a little (or a lot) manic, so be it.  Rumor has it that they want to see me too. Can’t imagine why. My house needs a turbo once-over. Maybe they just want be around me.

The latest bee in my proverbial bonnet is prompted by someone I love. I am currently on a diet or altered eating lifestyle. I’m looking to lose enough weight to have my knee replacement surgery. I refuse to have barbaric bypass surgery or try some fad diet plan.

Basically, I’m counting calories and eliminating junk food.  My new fixation is my weigh-in every Saturday. Sometimes it drops less than a pound, but it has yet to increase.

When it drops less than a pound, I feel like I gained fifty pounds. So naturally, I have a Facebook pity party. I get lots of encouragement and praise. I also get advice.

Keep in mind that I am bipolar and can barely walk. The advice I got was to find an activity that keeps me active mentally and physically. This statement made me feel like a loser. I know she loves me and means well, but she doesn’t really know me.

I honestly thought she did knew me. Perhaps it’s my fault that she didn’t. I thought everyone knew. My real fear, at this point, is talking about it to her. I have been bombarded with alleged ‘ready-made’ problem solvers all my life. Some things are just not that easy.

Those that truly get it are found in group therapy sessions. Basically, we’re all trying to avoid a trip to the ER, racing thoughts, crippling panic attacks, going off the meds and suicide. Stability is the goal, not a cure.

I am afraid of sharing all of this with my friends and family. Most know my condition, but perhaps passively. I have been living with this demon all my life. It has aided and injured me. Now my knee wants to join the disabled list. I’m hanging on as best I can!

There are certain things in the world that insist on being immortal. As a child, I believed that the world would change for the better by the time I was an adult. I was an optimistic child, therefore completely naïve.

I thought that love would end racism, homophobia and pretty much any other form of prejudice. To this day, when I see friendships or romance between different races and cultures (especially those from the south) I feel especially happy. Why is this?

We have our first black president. We have many people of color in positions of leadership in various areas of society. The ‘N’ word and other racial slurs are socially unacceptable. It can even get you fired or make you lose millions in endorsements.

So why is it that I think of race when I see various interracial socializing? Perhaps because my childhood and teenage years was affected by race. The issue of race was everywhere (even within my own people).

Up until the age of 7 or 8 I lived in East Los Angeles. I never saw a black person until we left East L.A. I loved and hated my fellow Latinos. I saw Vatos as dirty, smelly, thuggish drunks. I was repulsed so much that I vowed never to be with a Latino regardless of his station in life.

As a child in Pasadena, I was initially repulsed by blacks and middle eastern children. They were tough, stand-offish and I didn’t like their looks either. I thought of them as monsters. It’s very difficult to admit that now.

Love changed me. A black girl protecting me from mean girls erased my bigotry. When more friends treated me as their equal, my bigotry was replaced with affection. Even bullies of various races couldn’t make me revert back to my old way of thinking.

I figured that racism, bigotry and all prejudices are all just cover stories. At the end of the day, its fear. Its fear of what  family, friends or anyone in your life will think. It’s also fear of change and making yourself vulnerable to something different.

At the end of the Civil War, former slave owners were convinced that the slaves would rise up and murder them. It didn’t happen because revenge wasn’t an issue for the slaves. After hundreds of years of rape, torture, murder and imprisonment, slaves just wanted their freedom to leave, stay, learn to read and not be beaten.

So why were black people lynched? One: Whites couldn’t stand the thought of blacks being equal to them or worse, better than them. Two: Whites continued to expect the worst from blacks and blacks refused to oblige them.

This is just my opinion. Two African-Americans girlfriends stood up with me on my wedding day. I love them like crazy. My love for them will not end social hatred, but that won’t stop me from loving them and all good people.

So, I’m making up a list of thing to avoid and seek out during this holiday season. You don’t want to turn into a psychologically perplexed Grinch. Do you? Hope you like it!

Seek out

Opportunities where you can be thoughtful to strangers – Let the a little old lady or a burdened mother of 3 go in front of you in whatever line you’re in. It will make you and the stranger feel terrific.

Hot cocoa – I prefer using Mexican chocolate, but use whatever floats your boat.

All the great holiday movies: A Christmas Carol, It’s A Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th St.

Wish your non-Christian friends, acquaintances and colleagues happy holidays. They won’t be offended.

Old friends that you have heard from in years. Reminisce about past foolishness, victories and struggles.

Avoid (at all cost) –

Fighting with family, shoppers, the neighbors (loud music) and humanity, in general.

Last minute shopping. You’re just asking for a heart attack, stroke, muscle cramp or roaring headache if you go to the mall 1 to 2 days before Christmas.

Getting drunk at any social function. Especially the company Christmas party. Xeroxing your thong clad ass while screwing the guy in accounting is no way to celebrate the birth of Christ!

Re-gifting to the same person who gave you the gift. It can and does happen all the time.

Fruitcake. It is satanically sweet, dense and wrong! But it can be used to fortify levees.

Hand cramps. Don’t send cards to half the planet. Just send it to the people you love.

Being a tree designer.  Decorate your Christmas tree like normal people do. Don’t decorate it as if its going to be displayed at Rockefeller Center!

Don’t be offended if you receive modest gifts. Be thankful and gracious for the ones that gave the gifts to you.

Last but not least, don’t spend too much money on gadgets, ugly ties, video games and any Williams-Sonoma product!