Archive for December, 2013

As a child, I was very idealistic about innovative changes in the future. By future, I mean anytime after 1990. I saw rapid changes everywhere in the 80s. Why would it slow down?

I figured that George Jetson technology was a certainty.  Flying cars, robot housekeepers and homes floating in mid-air (I only half-heartedly believed that one) was the stuff of dreams.

Don’t get me wrong. We have massive innovative technology in every corner of our lives and globe. Communicating, research and broadcasting opinions (some rather useless) is effortless. Even toddlers are tech-savvy!

Letter writing, pounding the pavement for a job and finding love use to be major challenges. These monumental stressors are a thing of the past. Your PC, iPad or smart phone knows you better than you know yourself.

I bring about all these points because tomorrow is the last day of 2013. In my 44 years on this earth, I have witnessed the ushering of life-altering inventions. Just to name a few:

Home computer and its various children and grandchildren (laptop, notebook, iPod, iPad)

The internet and social media – there is no travel like cyber travel!

Video games – Yes, I was around for Atari, Pac-Man, Space Invaders and God help me, Pong!

Cell Phones – it’s the great-granddaddy of the smart phone

Smart cars – Hybrids, Electric and Solar powered cars will save us

YouTube – The greatest reporter known to man. Political gaffes, military uprisings and other global events get on YouTube before CNN or BBC.

Cameras – they are used by law enforcement, scattered throughout metro centers and used during various forms of surgery on humans and animals. Not only is Big Brother watching but he knows you inside out!

TV got cable (Select TV was the first), bigger, then thinner (plasma), then digital, then smarter and now it’s a 3D Netflix Blue-Ray junkie! I had snow in my 2 ton 18′ TV set. And yes, I used the aluminum foil to make a ghetto antenna!

What lovely shiny, plastic gadgetry will we have by 2020? I’m fairly certain that we still won’t have flying cars like in The Jetsons or Back to the Future 2.

 

 

 

 

The great Peter O’Toole’s response to questions in heaven.

I can’t make out if you’re a bloody madman or just half-witted. – St. Peter

I have the same problem, sir.

What do you think should be done with Guantanamo? – Edward R. Murrow

No prisoners! No prisoners!

There are rumors that you are gay. Will you now confirm or deny? – Sigmund Freud

My good man, what I choose to do with my schlong is my business!

Your works as a renown actor will be your legacy. – William Shakespeare

Damn you! I’m not an actor, I’m a movie star!

You’re plastered ? – Marilyn Monroe

So are some of the finest erections in Europe!

Dear God, Santa Claus (black or white) and Mr. President,

Thank you for the many wondrous works and blessings you have given my country and the world this year. I just want to show my heart-felt appreciation.

Obamacare happened, even though some naughty people tried to stop or delay it. I won’t name names, but you know who they are.

Legalizing same-sex marriage in so many states (including Utah) was awesome! I’m sure by the end of 2014 it will be legal in every state.

Thank you God for the new and improved Pope Francis! I’m not Catholic, but now would be an awesome to be a Catholic. He is humble, caring, forward thinking and genuinely fatherly to his flock.

Thank you for the civil war within the GOP and the government shutdown. The Republican’s approval rating fell into the pits of hell. Yes, Mr. President, I know you’ve been taking hits too. But the GOP needed an ass kicking in the worst way.

For all the great things that happened this year. We still need to stop other things from continuing. Here’s a short list.

Children dying at the end of a barrel – Sandy Hook, George Zimmerman

Voter suppression – This is the United States of America – every American over 18 has the right to vote. Period.

NSA wire tapping – my privacy is my right. Period. Thanks nation-hopping whistleblower !

Miley Cyrus – please don’t let her masturbate with foam fingers, teddy bears and all innocent wrecking balls!

 

 

Hilarously Important

Posted: December 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

This is how I extended my heart and family. 14 years-ago. I posted this over a year ago.

coconutspeak

I was thinking about hilarious moments in my life where I looked and felt like a first class idiot.  There is value in summoning these memories when life gets hard.

Sometimes I get too full of myself and need to be brought down a peg or two. Other times, I remember how such silly moments ended up defining my relationship with others.

In September of 1999, my then boyfriend (now husband), Scott took me to New York to meet his parents. Our future best man, drove us to his parents’ place from JFK.

As soon as he pulled up to the house, I saw Scott’s parents come out to greet us. As I stepped out of the car, I slipped and fell on the stones lining their front yard. I was mortified!

Scott’s mother later told me, at that moment she knew I would fit right into the family. She and Scott’s father could…

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So in keeping with the Christmas theme, I want to send out some Merry Christmas wishes to unusual groups.

I wish a very merry Christmas to those that loath, oppress or ridicule those outside their sexual orientation, race or religion. I hope and pray that you find your burdens lifted, peace and prosperity. Amen.

I wish a very merry Christmas to the brave men, women and families of the armed forces. This nation owes you all a debt that can never be repaid. Thank you for your service. God bless and keep you always.

I wish a very merry Christmas to the wealthy who have chosen to buy gadgets, new cars, yachts and ostentatious jewelry. I am so glad that you have the means to purchase such gifts and still give so generously to impoverished men, women and children that are without a stable residence.

I wish a very merry Christmas to the CEOs and business owners that were forced to layoff many workers.  I’m sure you gave them ample warning of the layoff, so that plans could be made. Well, their pension is always there for them … right? I see. Absolutely … I still wish you Merry Christmas.

Lastly, I wish peace, love, prosperity and spiritual freedom to all the non-Christians of the world. May you be blessed with children’s laughter, gentleness, magnificent sunrises and sunsets. With all my heart, I mean it.

 

 

I love being the preachy blogger that apologizes (in a sanctimonious way) for being preachy. It’s all bullshit because I’m not really sorry for being who I am. I choose to express myself this way.

I like the idea of making suggestions (arrogantly) on how to behave, communicate and appreciate humanity. I never talk about my own shortcomings. If I did, I would be mortified. Mortify – here I come.

I was out of my house today for 5 to 6 hours. I was driving with eternal honkers and non-signaling lane changers. How did deal with this road hostility? I honked, flashed my high beams, yelled, cursed and honked some more. I was a bitch.

First, I  mailed off Christmas cards at the post office. Then I made my way to the mall. Mercifully, I easily found a parking spot.

At the mall, I was greeted by a young salesperson, in a hip and trendy store, who helped me shop for my 13 year-old niece. The staff at the bookstore helped me immediately and were super sweet, even though they were slammed with customers. I realize salespeople were doing their jobs, but I really appreciated it.

Afterwards, I found myself incapable of shopping, thinking or even walking. I stumbled into a coffee-house. I ordered a mocha and asked if they could bring it to me because I was in so much pain (my knees and feet).

My drink was brought to me by a customer! She said I looked like I needed help. I said, God bless you! I sat there for 30 minutes to fortify myself mentally for the traffic-infested drive home.

When I got to my car, I sat in it for a few minutes before starting the engine. I felt a tsunami of shame hit me. Here it is, Christmas season and I’m getting pissed over petty shit. I mentally apologized to those I wronged.

The drive home was a long but peaceful one. Those that were friendly and kind to me didn’t have to be. I don’t deserve their kindness, but I’m grateful. And I will try to live up to my sermons, although I am not Santa Monica!

So, I’m making up a list of thing to avoid and seek out during this holiday season. You don’t want to turn into a psychologically perplexed Grinch. Do you? Hope you like it!

Seek out

Opportunities where you can be thoughtful to strangers – Let the a little old lady or a burdened mother of 3 go in front of you in whatever line you’re in. It will make you and the stranger feel terrific.

Hot cocoa – I prefer using Mexican chocolate, but use whatever floats your boat.

All the great holiday movies: A Christmas Carol, It’s A Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th St.

Wish your non-Christian friends, acquaintances and colleagues happy holidays. They won’t be offended.

Old friends that you have heard from in years. Reminisce about past foolishness, victories and struggles.

Avoid (at all cost) –

Fighting with family, shoppers, the neighbors (loud music) and humanity, in general.

Last minute shopping. You’re just asking for a heart attack, stroke, muscle cramp or roaring headache if you go to the mall 1 to 2 days before Christmas.

Getting drunk at any social function. Especially the company Christmas party. Xeroxing your thong clad ass while screwing the guy in accounting is no way to celebrate the birth of Christ!

Re-gifting to the same person who gave you the gift. It can and does happen all the time.

Fruitcake. It is satanically sweet, dense and wrong! But it can be used to fortify levees.

Hand cramps. Don’t send cards to half the planet. Just send it to the people you love.

Being a tree designer.  Decorate your Christmas tree like normal people do. Don’t decorate it as if its going to be displayed at Rockefeller Center!

Don’t be offended if you receive modest gifts. Be thankful and gracious for the ones that gave the gifts to you.

Last but not least, don’t spend too much money on gadgets, ugly ties, video games and any Williams-Sonoma product!