I’d Rather

Posted: September 24, 2013 in America, Bipolar, Family, Health, Life, Politics, Race, Religion, Society, Travel
Tags: , , , , , ,

I’m old enough to know that the choices we make in life are going to steer us into our destiny. I use to not believe in destiny at all, but in retrospect there is evidence of it throughout my life.

I’ve been poor most of my life , but it hasn’t stopped me from going to wealthy places in the world and blending right in. My very ethnic background has not been a hindrance to me. It’s an asset. All of these are positive things, but its the things I said no to that really mattered.

Without going into great detail, I had the opportunity to shoot a very evil man. Thankfully, I didn’t. It would not have mattered if I had been arrested or not. An act like that would have killed the essence of who I truly am. It would have been the death of two. Did my bravery and/or cowardice make things all better? Of course not.

My suffering continued for most of my life via an undiagnosed bipolar disorder and various types of abuse. I can best describe my pain as like having your beloved 40-year-old son still living in your house rent-free. He sucks away your energy while fervently reminding you, I’m your son! Translation: you owe me. So why do I owe anything to my pain? Answer: it has never left me when so many others have. Sick, right?

What good has my pain given me? A very discerning eye when it comes to men and their relationship to children. My pain has given me empathy to all walks of life, therefore making me immune to bigotry, racism and all hatred. Lastly, my pain has made a writer. Sometimes a good writer, maybe.

My pain has also plagued me with fear. I’m not particularly religious, but I do fear of going to hell. I fear of having to suffer while dying.  I’m still afraid of heights, flying and bridges. Amusement parks, turbulence, hot air balloons, Texas and Florida are not for me. Not crazy about their laws, sorry.

I’m 44 years old and I wonder if I want to grow and put this into ‘God’s hands’ . My very Christian mom has stated this several times. I don’t like shoving my problems over to anybody (even a nice deity).

In the words of Winona Ryder from the movie Heathers, “If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host.” I’d rather be human.

  1. Howisbradley says:

    I can only imagine the pain you live with. It’s good to see you are working through it the best you can. I know it can’t be easy. ((hugs))


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