When Did It Start

Posted: September 23, 2013 in Bipolar, Children, Family, Health, Life, mental health, sex, Society, women
Tags: , , , , , ,

I’ve been having a challenging time in trying to remember when my mental issues started. I use to think that it may have started around the time I was molested, but I’m not sure.

I don’t mind saying that my mother used the belt and other things on me.  Many times she ran off for hours and I often wondered if I should call the cops on her, but I never did.

Decades later, she admitted to being wrong and asked for my forgiveness. Of course, I forgave her. All that happened between the ages of 6 to 10.  The sexual abuse was between the ages of 11 to 14.

So when did it happen? When did I become bat shit crazy? I cried for hours as a child. I contemplated suicide and/or nonlethal attacks on my tormenters.

Nope. Never did attack anyone but I did try to end me. My theory was if I blamed my tormenters in the suicide note they would be tormented forever.

Also on my self-harm menu was: scratching my scalp until it bled, pulling out my hair by the roots, cutting, burning and slamming my hand/arm on hard objects

Maybe I was born with it. Perhaps the bullies and perverts in my life gave my mania a turbo boost. One thing is for sure, no one except for my husband, ever gave me a way out.

Before my husband, I suffered alone. I was told to snap out of it, cheer up, get over it and the ever popular it’s all in your head! I know what hell is … it’s all in my head!

I wonder how I ever survived. I wonder if I was ever truly sane after age 6. I know that I have more than a few happy, silly memories.

Still, I resent the fact that I had to wait 40 years to get properly diagnosed! I resent the fact that no one in my life (before my husband) really investigated into finding a solution to my problem!

I resent the fact that my mother expects a “cure”!! Really? Every time I talk about the past she insists I don’t forgive her. I’m ranting here. Must refocus. I think I need extra help. Don’t we all?

  1. Howisbradley says:

    Rant away, We all deserve it now and then.


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