At the youthful age of 44 , I find myself drifting to my yester years. Music and movies get me thinking of my punishing hot days at home in the 70s and 80s. We had no central A/C. Music took me somewhere else. A place where I could sing without regard. It was and is heaven.
Paul Simon’s 50 Ways to leave your lover is a song my sister Carmen and I use to sing while we concocted our magic potion (cantaloupe lemonade). We had no idea what the words meant. We were Paul Simon parrots.
Anyway, in the name of ha ha funny, I present a few Coconutspeak ways to leave your lover.
He’s divorced and his octuplets are 2 years-old. Tell him you want to get married and pregnant.
Do not answer you cell for 24 hours. She will dump you super fast.
Fart in her bed after pork rinds, pinto beans and beer with a tequila shot chaser. Dutch oven will seal the deal.
Tell him you can’t have a baby because use to be man and you miss your penis.
Ask her to invest in your latest Ponzi scheme so that you can take your gun out of hock.
Ask him if he’s in yet. When he says yes, say ‘oh, okay.’ Then talk about the weather.
Tell your girlfriend that your former fiancé is staying with you until she gets back on her feet. And you don’t want to argue about it.
Tell your boyfriend that his 19 year-old brother is super hot and maybe you picked the wrong brother. Then hug and kiss his brother way too much.
If all else fails, inform your beloved that your taking a trip alone to Rio de Janeiro during Carnival to clear your mind and think things over.
coconutspeak 
You know, most of these sound like sitcom or rom/com plot lines (and all too real). ♪♫ Just hop on the bus, Gus! ♫♪
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