Guilty

Posted: August 13, 2013 in Bipolar, Children, Life, mental health, sex, Society
Tags: , , , , ,

Being sick or injured scares me more than anything. It’s easy for me to go into catastrophic thinking from heartburn. As a child, I often convinced myself I had cancer and death was imminent.

For me, dying means judgment from God and I am so disgustingly sinful. Even if I didn’t go to hell, I was no longer in control. I couldn’t console my loved ones. I couldn’t feel the joys of being human in my corner of the world.

I realize that believing that I’m dying is all based on my mental illness. Still, death is inevitable. My life is what it is. I’ve been told that I will go to heaven because I am a kind, caring and good-hearted person. Of course, I tend to think my sins outweigh my good acts.

My very religious mother said that my sins occurred because she failed to protect me from evil people. If anything, she is guilty and should go to hell in my place. I would like to subscribe to that way of thinking, but it’s monumentally difficult.

Many times in my life, I have permitted my insatiable appetite to dictate my actions. Today, I realize that I was manic. Still, mania doesn’t 100% control me. I’m not a mania robot.

What I am is sorry. I’m sorry for my past, present and future wrongdoings. I’m sorry and ashamed for being weak. Most of all, I’m sorry for all the people I’ve hurt. There’s too much pain in the world and have contributed to the pile.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Wow, the layout of your blog is very creative! And look, I know how you feel about past mistakes. I can’t remember how many times I would cut my own skin out of feelings or guilt for mistakes I have made. But the fact that you “are aware” of them means something. Think of all the people who hurt people and don’t give a shit. Those are scary people. It takes courage to admit what you are saying…so be gentle on yourself. You are Not ALONE!

    Like

  2. coconutspeak says:

    I appreciate that. Thank you. I just want to be good. I know what it’s like to be a victim of bad people. I’d rather be a victim than a victimizer.

    Like

  3. Howisbradley says:

    Wow, you are really hard on yourself. Back off a bit and read your blog post as if it was someone else’s. I think you’d want to offer love and compassion to them. So, the obvious thing I’m going to say is to give yourself that love and compassion. I know it ain’t easy, but it’s so worth it. You’re worth it.

    Like

  4. coconutspeak says:

    Thanks, Brad. I’m just in a sucky place today. It will pass and I promise I won’t feel this way for long. Btw, I have read my post at least 10 times. I’ll be okay. Don’t worry.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s