I Hate Being … This!

Posted: December 26, 2012 in Life, Nature, sex, women
Tags: , , , ,

Labeled the fairer sex, as soon as I took my first breath. Girl, miss, lady, chick, dame and woman are all acceptable.

When I think of my body it all boils down to my lady parts. The deep-seated awareness of hips, breasts, vagina, ovaries and uterus came to me when I was 12.

The holy trinity is, of course, my uterus and ovaries. Unseen but always remembered, I was born with a condition.

P.C.O.S – Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome would deny me a regular cycle, place a dark skin pigmentation around my neck and make me familiar with surgery.

Last July through August, I had 3 surgeries due to fibroids. The last surgery (endometrial ablation) was supposed to be the end of me having a period.

Every hour last night, I had to address my tyrannical menstruation. Apparently, the cells can grow back as long as I have a uterus and ovaries.

I am tired, sad, furious and feeling crazy. This Friday, I have an appointment with my OB GYN. Yet another ride!

There is only one word on my lips and mind. Hysterectomy. I want to murder the source of womanhood. As I type this out, my heart breaks.

  1. I can understand your frustration on this one. I was diagnosed with PCOS the first time I went to the gyno after I got married. I was 20. I had never heard of it until then and the doctor didn’t really explain it at all. Just “you have PCOS”. And then I get the lovely and crushing blow: “You have about the same chance of having a baby as winning the lottery.” EXACT WORDS… I can still feel my heart drop out of my chest just thinking about it. I wasn’t one of those girls that always dreamed of being a mother, but it still hurt. And now, at almost 30, I think I am starting to feel that internal clock…it’s going ding, ding, ding…you want a baby. And no matter how much I scream at it, it just keeps dinging. I honestly wish that they would do a hysto on me sometimes…because every irregular period is another time my hopes get up that maybe, miracle of miracles, I’m pregnant…and everytime, bitter disappointment, and no matter how many times it happens, no matter how many times I say I won’t get my hopes up, I do it again, quietly and deep inside, and they get shattered again.

    I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in your struggle with this, and I do hope that everything goes well at your appointment, and that there will be good news, or at least not bad news. My thoughts are with you.


    • coconutspeak says:

      I appreciate your kindness. I just feel like my body is kidnapping me. I want to escape but I can’t. Between this and being bipolar, life feels like a series of battles I have to fight and the war rages on.


  2. Adam S says:

    Oh man, sounds brutal. Best of luck to you. You ladies got it rough in many ways. I’ll keep you in mind CoCo.


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