There was a time in my life when I was dying. Over twenty-five years-ago, I was living in a house with no utilities. I was barely eating a meal a day. Then of course, I got sick.

Plagued with a bladder infection and crippling depression, I thought I was a ghost. In pain, physically and mentally, I wanted it to end. In 8 months, I had lost over 40 lbs.

In the end, my mother saved me. My brother got me an interview, which lead to a job. I promised myself that I would never get that desperate again.

I never became a squatter again. I always had a source of income. Being poor didn’t bother me. It was being destitute, hopeless that could end me. I operated under that belief.

Recently, I was sick with the stomach flu. It kept me away from blogging. Unlike the Monica of 25 years-ago, I have insurance, a dutiful husband and a home with all the amenities.

That said, my depression still stalks me. I’m on five different drugs for my bipolar disorder and all it takes is my body shutting down to bring me a destitute place.

Writing is an obligation to myself. I have no children, except for my blogs. For me, it requires focus and structure of thoughts. It requires me to be stronger than my illness.

Yesterday, I ate solid food, did laundry and wrote a little. I can feel myself coming back, but getting sick scares me.

  1. syrbal says:

    I think illness makes one feel alienated from the living, healthy ones in some way. That “apartness” is so disorienting as to be disabling sometimes. Possibly this is because modern society does not ritualize or sacralize solitude?


  2. Hey sweet Coco, I’m happy you are on the upward swing! Those little steps are so important…even if it’s laundry… 🙂 Being sick is a little scary…it makes me feel helpless when I get sick (which is silly, I suppose), but I hate to feel helpless. And stomach bugs are the absolute worst for making me feel puny… I hope your recovery goes quickly, and that you can squash the blue feelings that go hand in hand with it…I know you can! :*


  3. Doris says:

    baby steps, sending blessings your way, remember you have an amiga in me! 😉


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s