Looking For … ?

Posted: September 11, 2012 in Bipolar, Life, poetry, Society
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I was looking for profoundness today. I was in desperate need of something great and outside of my world. My world is methodically turning on me.

I am suffering a medical betrayal and I feel lost. Actually, more than one. On August 14, I had a gynecological surgery that was supposed to end my menstruation.

Three days ago, I started bleeding. I was told that in 95% of cases, menstruation ceases. I guess I’m the pesky 5%! Three surgeries later and I’m back to square one.

I’ve been told to call my gynecologist, but what can she do about it? Cut me open again? I’m sure I’ll call her this week. For some reason, I feel like a failure and a bother.

My bipolar status is the second betrayal. I am seriously off. Today, I met my new psychiatrist. He’s taking a different approach in treating me. This is good, because I’m tired of being a guinea pig.

I just have to go in for labs and start a new drug. I’m afraid of any new drug. That said, I will take it. I just want to feel good. Is that too much to ask for?

So, back to finding something profound. I found it. I was watching dancers on TV. As I watched them my heart laughed and wept for them. I was honored to witness such poetry in motion.

I remembered a dream I had recently. I was dancing with so much abandon and feeling. Angst, love, fear and joy all flowing through an extended me.  I was so happy for the real dancers.

All I can hope to be is a dancer in my dreams. Now I want comments, likes and hits on my blogs. They bring me real joy, even the critical comments.

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Comments
  1. DONT GIVE UP. BELIEVE AND U CAN REALIZE

    Like

  2. Yeah, it brings me joy too. That’s why I wanted to comment.

    That five percent is so difficult. Gyno surgery is the worst thing in the world, second to labor and toothache. Maybe even worse than, I’m not sure where I’d really rate it. I had two different surgeries for precancerous lesions. For all intensive purposes, I had cancer, but not the invasive kind. And it took four years and two painful surgeries to get rid of it. Hopefully. I can hope for you that this will all be over soon and you can be healthy again.

    I’m glad that after all of it, you found your inspiration to move forward. It sounds beautiful.

    Like

  3. Doris says:

    Don’t give up you are a fighter and a true inspiration amiga.

    Like

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