Damnable Options

Posted: August 26, 2012 in Bipolar, Life, Love, Society
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Anxiety is building up inside me, even though many life-altering obstacles have recently been resolved. My problem is that  I have no real problems. What do I have? Options, damnable options are everywhere!

I have almost always had issues and problems to conquer and overcome. Thus, I thrive in chaos. So the void of chaos makes me nervous. When I couldn’t worry about myself, I worried about others.

Now the ‘others’ in my life solve their own problems. How dare they grow up!  My ‘lady parts’ health issues are no more. Our financial issues are settled once and for all.

The absurdity of feeling this way is driving me nuts! The only person who really needs me is my husband. He doesn’t even need me to earn a living!  There are many who covet such a situation.

So now, I weigh my plethora of options. I can do volunteer work, continue my blogs, lose weight (just 20 lbs.) by joining the YMCA. I guess they all plague me because of my daily physical assessments.

I feel so incredibly weighed-down, tired and depressed. I often don’t eat til after 1 pm. The real issue I have is finding a new psychiatrist. My previous one doesn’t accept my newly acquired Medicare insurance.

I have my meds for a month or so, but I suspect I need an adjustment. The only things that are really keeping me going are these blogs and my husband. Thank God!

Whenever he can talk me into going out, my undying inclination is to go home. Lately, I can only take so much of outside or getting out of my night-gown or pajamas for that matter.

I guess I love and hate being bipolar. My work can be really good when I’m depressed or manic for that matter. The downside, I become a happy recluse.

I really do love the world. I miss being outside. I just get this unsafe, uncomfortable, desperate feeling.  It can drive me to tears.  When it does, I can write about it.

  1. I understand those feelings as well. We are on this roller coaster ride and there’s just no way off. What does that mean for us – we must endure!


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