All My Drugs

Posted: August 19, 2012 in Bipolar, Love
Tags: , , ,

Since I identify myself so closely with my bipolar diagnosis, I feel that I should address how it came to be and my drug use (legal and not).  As a teenager, (like many Californians) I tried pot.

I was 15, maybe 16, first time I tried it at a friend’s house. I recall, the joint at the end of a roach clip being passed around. It gave me a killer headache and stank to high heaven. I only took 2 hits, then had a few wine coolers.

In hindsight, I was trying to suppress my manic episodes.  I had lots of them and they came like a runaway freight train. Still, I hated stinky pot.  Alcohol and cigarettes were the easiest ways to control the demons.

Marlboro 100 Lights was my baby. I knew where to buy them and I was hooked for 15 years.  In my 20s, I turn vegetarian just so I could afford my smokes. Former high school hoodlums, losers and I got together a few times to smoke quality pot.

This was done behind my roommates’ backs.  They had standards. Drink til you barf, but no illegal drugs.  My drinks were Margaritas, Long Island Ice Teas, any kind of wine, Corona beer and Tequilla shots with salt and lime.

I drank on a regular basis for a while. Then, for some reason, I stopped. About a year later, at the age of 29, I met my future husband. My only drug at this point was my nicotine. Two days after meeting him, I quit that too.

Then Scott became my new drug.  He was the best one, too. For over a year, I was high on hot, sweaty, sexy, intellectual L-O-V-E ! I quit my job after he proposed and declared myself officially his.

Ultra romantic wedding and Maui honeymoon followed. We traveled alot.  San Fransisco, San Diego, Vegas, New Mexico and of course, Scott’s old haunts in New York. The world was my manic oyster.

Then early one morning, on September 11, 2001, we got a call from my sister-in-law. We turned on the tv and I kept on watching first one tower, then the next, then the Pentagon.

Finally, the 4th plane was overtaken by the passengers. Its aim was the White House, several brave Americans said hell no, then died. Scott’s father, came out of retirement to cover the story for UPI (United Press International).

For months, I required antidepressants. First, they put me on Effexor. That was a mistake! I went into a really crazy state of anxiety.  Next, Lexapro, that was good for a while.

Then December 31, 2001, another tragedy hit.  My best friend of 15 years, Pam, died 2 days after her grandfather died. I called her the day before she died. I got a chance to tell her I loved her. We attended a double funeral.

Lexapro was about as helpful as aspirin. Celexa, Zoloft, on and on it went. Up days and down days, then really down days. I was married to the greatest love I’ve ever known and had suicidal thoughts. Why?

Suicidal thoughts as a powerless, molested and abused kid, I can understand. But why now? Good life with a great husband, why now? One day at work,  3 almost 4 years ago, in the restroom I tried to hurt myself.

I was committed for 10 days, I think. I was diagnosed as having a Borderline Personality Disorder and Manic Depression Type II. Lithium became my new best friend, along with Seroquel, Zoloft and Lamectal. I am maxed out on the doses.

Initially, I was unable to read or focus. I would read a few words, back track, then go forward. At that rate it took hours to read a few pages. And, I felt stupid. I still had manic episodes, but they because less frequent.

This was a problem too. I missed being manic. It felt so damn good. Even now, the loss of mania hurts more than the loss of Pam. Everything is better when I’m manic. Sex, work productivity, upbeat attitude, general view on the world, is awesome when I’m manic.

That said, I took my meds and I’ll dream of being manic. Good night my friends.

  1. katlynn83 says:

    sounds like me but to the point thanks for commenting on my post earlier i will continue to follow your post


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