Deep Inside

Posted: August 18, 2012 in Bipolar, Love
Tags: , ,

Since I started this blog, I’ve been changing. Three days ago, I changed a lot. Coupled with past surgeries, this last one finished the job. I will never be pregnant. Which is fine, since I’m 43, bipolar and unwilling to go off my meds.

All my life, I thought I wanted to be a mother. I was going to be better than my mother and Scott (my husband) could easily be a great father. It’s not going to happen. I will not ever be pregnant.

I can be logical about this situation. To bring a child into my world, absurd. I’m too crazy, selfish and old. We want to travel. I haven’t been to Europe. Can’t do that with a baby.

That said, deep down inside, I ache just a little. I have to ache a little.  I was pregnant once. I can say no more about that. Every baby I ever cared for, held, made a funny face at or admired from afar is here, deep down inside.

I’m okay with that, really. I just feel like I’m going to lose my Latina membership. Latina’s are voluptuous, sultry, charismatic and fertile. Just not this one. Still, I am the world’s greatest aunt. My niece and nephew love me and Scott.

And there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them. I’m okay being sterile. My heart and mind are very fertile. As long as I keep them, I’ll be fine.  Maybe one day I’ll adopt an older child. The ones that are hard to place.

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Comments
  1. adopting can be just as wonderful if not more, than having your own. I thought about adopting for a long time.

    Like

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