Deep Inside

Posted: August 18, 2012 in Bipolar, Love
Tags: , ,

Since I started this blog, I’ve been changing. Three days ago, I changed a lot. Coupled with past surgeries, this last one finished the job. I will never be pregnant. Which is fine, since I’m 43, bipolar and unwilling to go off my meds.

All my life, I thought I wanted to be a mother. I was going to be better than my mother and Scott (my husband) could easily be a great father. It’s not going to happen. I will not ever be pregnant.

I can be logical about this situation. To bring a child into my world, absurd. I’m too crazy, selfish and old. We want to travel. I haven’t been to Europe. Can’t do that with a baby.

That said, deep down inside, I ache just a little. I have to ache a little.  I was pregnant once. I can say no more about that. Every baby I ever cared for, held, made a funny face at or admired from afar is here, deep down inside.

I’m okay with that, really. I just feel like I’m going to lose my Latina membership. Latina’s are voluptuous, sultry, charismatic and fertile. Just not this one. Still, I am the world’s greatest aunt. My niece and nephew love me and Scott.

And there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them. I’m okay being sterile. My heart and mind are very fertile. As long as I keep them, I’ll be fine.  Maybe one day I’ll adopt an older child. The ones that are hard to place.

  1. adopting can be just as wonderful if not more, than having your own. I thought about adopting for a long time.


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